Because… I’m scared?

I can’t believe what I am doing to myself. I have been trying to end a relationship since it started. All this time has been full lies, insecurities, manipulation, and abusive behaviour.

I don’t really know if he is the only one who has been abusive with me, or perhaps I have been too.

I have felt bad, because of my reactions, and I came back, I felt I wasn’t enough nice, and too much mean, and I came back. “He was so nice and helped me”- I thought! No one has done this thing for me before” my mind talked to me. Yes! but it is something he usually does, no because he wants to be special, it is his way to hunt.

You treat me like that? After all the things I did for you. -  oh! I am a horrible person! I thought the first time. Wait! you’ve been dishonest, disloyal and a Lier! I stopped the second time. Hey! Why are you controlling my followers, and calling me whore when I make my own plans? I yelled out at him at the third time. Since then, the battle hasn’t finished yet.

 Today I can’t cry anymore, even when I confirmed that he doesn’t want me to stay nether.  In some point I thought he was going to tell me he didn’t want me to go.

And despite I have been praying to get away from him, in a good way, I was expecting maybe that he wanted me to stay.

 “I’m a human” he said when I asked him what his expectation about him and me was. “I couldn’t tell anyone to leave, I know how difficult it is to find a place” he replied.

It didn’t hurt as much as I thought. I knew he didn’t love me. I understood I didn’t love him as well. Or if that was love, it wasn’t enough for me. “I would like a respectful and honest relationship, where I can express myself, my feelings, be who I am, and be supported as I have been with him”, I told him once again.

 I know it must happen this way. Perhaps he never will understand what I was talking about, or maybe someone else is coming to him to teach him all those beautiful things about myself I have learnt with him. Ah for sure, someone else will come right away when I leave his place. And that day he will get up from his couch to clean his home, make his bed, and put back in the bench the expensive alcohol he was using to show off, after the second time I left his place.

I can’t believe what I am doing to myself. I have been trying to end a relationship since it started. All this time has been full lies, insecurities, manipulation, and abusive behaviour.

I don’t really know if he is the only one who has been abusive with me, or perhaps I have been too.

I have felt bad, because of my reactions, and I came back, I felt I wasn’t enough nice, and too much mean, and I came back. “He was so nice and helped me”- I thought! No one has done this thing for me before” my mind talked to me. Yes! but it is something he usually does, no because he wants to be special, it is his way to hunt.

 You treat me like that? After all the things I did for you. -  oh! I am a horrible person! I thought the first time. Wait! you’ve been dishonest, disloyal and a Lier! I stopped the second time. Hey! Why are you controlling my followers, and calling me whore when I make my own plans? I yelled out at him at the third time. Since then, the battle hasn’t finished yet. 

Today I can’t cry anymore, even when I confirmed that he doesn’t want me to stay nether.  In some point I thought he was going to tell me he didn’t want me to go.

And despite I have been praying to get away from him, in a good way, I was expecting maybe that he wanted me to stay.

“I’m a human” he said when I asked him what his expectation about him and me was. “I couldn’t tell anyone to leave, I know how difficult it is to find a place” he replied.

It didn’t hurt as much as I thought. I knew he didn’t love me. I understood I didn’t love him as well. Or if that was love, it wasn’t enough for me. “I would like a respectful and honest relationship, where I can express myself, my feelings, be who I am, and be supported as I have been with him”, I told him once again.

I know it must happen this way. Perhaps he never will understand what I was talking about, or maybe someone else is coming to him to teach him what I have learnt with him. Ah for sure, someone else will come right away when I leave his place. And that day he will get up from his couch to clean his home, make his bed, and put back in the bench the expensive alcohol he was using to show off, after the second time I left his place.

 I do not really know why I had been staying, and the only answer would be, because I am afraid, I am scared about my future, I’m not sure what I really want, or because I am not sure how to start again.

Or perhaps it is because I’m scared to be by myself. But …I have done it before! I have left couple times before. Yes! but this time, maybe I know it would be forever, because this time I understood everything. It was the last chance.

I do not really know why I had been staying, and the only answer would be, because I am afraid, I am scared about my future, I’m not sure what I really want, or because I am not sure how to start again.

Or perhaps it is because I’m scared to be by myself. But …I have done it before! I have left couple times before. Yes! but this time, maybe I know it would be forever, because this time I understood everything. It was the last chance.